Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends
-- "Wake Me Up When September Ends," Green Day
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in a forgotten U-Haul rig that broke off the College GameDay bus trailer hitch in 2004, we empathize with the feelings of so many college football teams. This new season arrived with so much hope, but after only three weeks of games, those dreams have dashed like a case of Natty Light accidentally dropped onto the blacktop of the package store parking lot. Sure, at first it was funny to see your friend hopping around after those tumbling tall boys landed on his foot, but in the end you're left with broken bottles and broken dreams. And, oh yeah, your bud has a broken toe.
Perhaps October will make things better. Perhaps the changing leaves and cooler temperatures will also change your favorite team's outlook and turn down the heat on the seat of your favorite head coach. Alas, October is still eight quarters of football away. The exit out of this cold September downpour might look oh so close, but the reality is that you have a long way to go before you get there.
What happens in Vegas crashes in Vegas. pic.twitter.com/4Eq2t8i6Mv— Dirty Mo Media (@DirtyMoMedia) September 16, 2019
With apologies to Billie Joe Armstrong and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. UMess (0-3)
The Minutemen have surrendered 48, 45 and 52 points in their three losses this season to Rutgers, Southern Illinois and last week against the Charlotte 2-and-1ers. This weekend they continue their Taste of the Carolinas Tour, welcoming Coastal Carolina, which means that taste will be funnel cake. But that 'tis merely an appetizer for what awaits us on Sept. 28 ...
2. Akron-monious (0-3)
That's when Akron Zips its way up to Amherst in what looks to be our first true Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year of the Century (PFOWYOC) of 2019. When ESPN Stats & Info researchers entered this game into the mysterious and magical FPI machine, they said that Akron is the early favorite with a 60.9% chance to win. They ran those calculations only after we blasted their office with UMass-style Revolutionary War fife and drum music and refused to stop until they crunched the numbers. That math took longer than it should have because they did it using Akron's Takeaway Pencil.
"I told [my wife] to find me the biggest No. 2 pencil she could find. And she had it made. It's a real No. 2 pencil. It's made of wood, you can write with it. I was blown away."— Kyle Bonagura (@BonaguraESPN) September 12, 2019
The origin story of the Takeaway Pencil.https://t.co/FmkARiRzRA
3. U-Can't (1-1)
The Huskies: Eastern Division had the weekend off but still failed to cover the spread against the Fightin' Byes of Open Date University. This week they travel to Bloomington, Indiana, for the Damn Don't You Wish This Was A Basketball Game Classic. When reached for comment, Randy Edsall put on a sweater vest, grabbed a chair and threw it at a referee.
4. Whew, Mexico State (0-3)
New Mexico State lost to San Diego State two weeks after losing to Washington State and two weeks before facing Fresno State. Two weeks ago, the Aggies probably wished that instead of Alabama they'd played Alabama State and this weekend they would face New Mexico for bragging rights within their state. Then they'll start October with the front end of their in-season home-and-home with Liberty. And who knows what kind of state Hugh Freeze will be in by then. Or what kind of contraption he'll be coaching from.
Looking back, we should have seen this coming when the conference's Week 3 opener was contested by UNC and Wake Forest, two ACC teams playing in what didn't count as an actual ACC game. From there, it was like 24 hours of watching Howard's Rock roll down The Hill toward a bushel of crushed Oranges. BC became the first Power 5 team to lose a home game to Kansas in more than a decade. Florida State lost to Virginia for only the fourth time in 18 matchups. The Citadel used the same too-antiquated triple option playbook that essentially pushed Paul Johnson out at Georgia Tech... to beat Georgia Tech. Meanwhile, NC State and Pitt lost out-of-conference games that were actual out-of-conference games, while Virginia Tech should have lost to Furman. The ACC anchor weighed so heavy that No. 21 Maryland was upset by Temple, and the Terps left the conference six years ago.
6. Minute Rice (0-3)
Final score from Houston: Texas 48, Rice 13. President Kennedy, y'all. He wasn't lying.
7. UCLA Boo-ins (0-3)
Sure, most Pac-12 aficionados will tell you that Utah-USC, Wazzu-Utah and Oregon-Washington will be the games to watch in the coming weeks. Whatever, dudes. We're already packing our bags for Ore-gone State at UCLA on Oct. 5. It's going to be the sloppiest show at the Rose Bowl since they tried to run Monster Jam during an El Nino.
8. State of Kent (1-2)
The Golden Flashes lost a nail-biter at Auburn, 55-16. This weekend they host the Pillow Fight of the Week as Boiling Green, also 1-2, comes to town. Two weeks later, after a check-endorsement ceremony at Wisconsin, Kent hosts second-ranked Akron, which will be coming off its historic trip to UMess. There are six teams in the MACtion East. Five of them are 1-2. Akron is 0-3. More like LACKtion Least, amirite?!
9. North Texas El Paso State-San Antonio
There's a Texas-sized wad of four mid-major teams in the Lone Star State that is becoming more and more indistinguishable. The good news is that many of them go head-to-head over the coming weeks, and that should sort this out. The better news is that they are all currently better than Rice. Unless you are Rice. Then that's not better news at all.
10. South Alabama Redundancies (1-2)
Their scaring of No-braska isn't as impressive as it was back in Week 1, and the Jaguars just lost a catfight to the Memphis Tigers, 42-6. Now South Alabama will travel north to face Alabama-Birmingham, which isn't really north at all, but it's certainly farther north than South Alabama, which still feels repetitious every time I type it. South Alabama is like Sahara Desert, which translates to Deserts Desert.
Waiting List: South (Not Central) Florida (1-2), In-A-Rut-Gers (1-1), EC-Yew (1-2), Ore-gone State (0-2), FA(not I)U (1-2), FI(not A)U (1-2), Liberty Medical Services Inc. (1-2), UNLV Tumblin' Tarks (1-2), Rocky Slop (1-2). Van-duh-bilt (0-2), kicking it when you probably should have not been kicking it, "our bad" Sunday statements from conference offices on officiating.